Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Whatever It Takes

Mountain biking and writing. These are the two things are my therapy when things get tough- and things got tough real fast. Josie's Bike Life will be my place for sharing more on how I'm going to use mountain biking or biking in general, to get me through this difficult time.

Sunday, May 6th 2018...my life changed.

I'm talking about having your world turned upside down in a span of few seconds. Family members walk into your workplace and you instantly know that something is up. 


It's how the barriers break down in .01 seconds because they can't hold it in.

It's listening to yourself from outside your body, letting out a cry from the depths that indicates a broken heart...a shattered soul. You just lost part of yourself. 1/2 of you. Everything rushes in like a tidal wave and you can't. You just CAN'T. You can't stop crying, you can't stop wailing, and you can't stop clinging to your family. You are downing emotionally and mentally, with nothing else to hold on to. You feel like you're going to slip.

What. Why. How. 

WHY.

Because it's been on the news, anyone can find out. My dad had a tree cutting accident. He was on the low side and could've been on any other side and likely not have had an issue. For whatever reason, he chose the low side, made two cuts, and with the second cut- the f*cking tree basically blew up. My dad likely was knocked out by something, and part of the tree landed on his chest, crushing him.

I have never been so mad at a tree in my life.

Sunday I went back and forth trying to figure out my emotions over if I was mad at my dad or not. He was an outdoorsman. This wasn't his first rodeo cutting trees. He knew sh*t. He was resourceful. Strong. Smart. The situation could have gone completely differently if he had been on a high side and had not been so damn concerned over the crappy shed he didn't want the tree to fall onto.

It's not his fault.
I've heard it several times. "When it's time, it's time."
Maybe this was the way to go. Maybe this was the least painful way possible.
My dad had Type 1 Diabetes. He had at least 3 bouts of pneumonia this past winter. This winter was hard on him....I know it. I didn't really "know" tho. I didn't understand as to how hard it was on him. I was in denial. It's my dad. He has a mission in life. He's going to live forever. I knew he wouldn't, but I certainly wasn't expecting to lose him before his 66th birthday. Hell, I almost lost him in 2005 due to a motorcycle accident. He survived and recovered...it gave me a false sense of "nothing can take this man down."

What I miss right now:
How his strong hands could rub my back so gently. Especially during hugs. He had a way of making something so simple feel so soothing.
How he rubbed my feet when I was a kid. Every Wednesday and Friday I'd pop my feet up on his lap and ask for my foot rubs. They grounded me.
How he pronounced my name with a hard "C" instead of a "Z".
His "Weelllll, I suppose...." even tho it meant the start of "goodbye."
How I got him to say "I love you" to me after phone calls and visits.

I know there is more, but those are the things right now.

Everything else:
I don't know if I can handle the thought of the holidays....and the fact I won't be baking DAD his diabetic-friendly apple pie.
I know he was proud of my new race bike being named after him. I'm changing the whole "Stefan" concept and simply going with Stephen...folks his name isn't StephEN...it's StEphen. So StEphen McNasty.....will be ridden in my dad's honor at Chequamegon. An event which I now have no expectation of how I'll do- because shit got real.
I've gone from hyper-emotional to numb in a matter of days.
I know he'll be with me, but I can't "feel" it yet.
I miss him so much.
I'll miss how excited he'd get when he talked about his projects.
I'll miss how happy he was to share with me how he told "so-and-so at work how proud he was of me or what I had done recently, or the article in Inspire(d) magazine that I was in, or the IPT segment. Hearing him PROUD of me when for so many years I thought I fell short. 

A respected, soft-spoken, kind, and talented man....who had a gift for rambling and story-telling. I felt I didn't get much from him in terms of traits, but I think I got more than what I realized. He would get an idea in his head and apparently if something bugged him he had to follow through to get that monkey off his back. I see the tree as a monkey. He probably had it nagging in the back of his head. I get that....I totally do.

I was fully prepared for my scheduled life....and for someone with a type-A personality who loves having things scheduled out and on point....my whole world was given a giant dump. Emotional and mental dump. I'm exhausted. I know my family is also exhausted. A father was lost, but so was a brother...a brother in a close-knit family. 

Life is on standby right now in terms of leading rides for Fearless Women of Dirt. I've done one of the hardest things I've ever done- and that is take away my pre-set schedule and open the doors wide open for space and processing.

My world is rocked. I'm a very emotionally driven person- and this is going to take awhile. I have finally had one day where I haven't cried. (Compared to crying so much of Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.) I feel vulnerable at work. I really want to hide sometimes- but I also appreciate not being at home and wallowing. I know it's not over yet. Bits and pieces are falling into place.

Currently, this is my mantra:
Imagine Dragons

Falling too fast to prepare for this
Tripping in the world could be dangerous
Everybody circling, it's vulturous
Negative, nepotist
Everybody waiting for the fall of man
Everybody praying for the end of times
Everybody hoping they could be the one
I was born to run, I was born for this
Whip, whip
Run me like a racehorse
Pull me like a ripcord
Break me down and build me up
I wanna be the slip, slip
Word upon your lip, lip
Letter that you rip, rip
Break me down and build me up
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top I'm ready for
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes
Always had a fear of being typical
Looking at my body feeling miserable
Always hanging on to the visual
I wanna be invisible
Looking at my years like a martyrdom
Everybody needs to be a part of 'em
Never be enough, I'm the prodigal son
I was born to run, I was born for this
Whip, whip
Run me like a racehorse
Pull me like a ripcord
Break me down and build me up
I wanna be the slip, slip
Word upon your lip, lip
Letter that you rip, rip
Break me down and build me up
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top, I'm ready for
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes
Hypocritical, egotistical
Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical
Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box
An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost
I'm an apostrophe
I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see
I'm just a product of the system, a catastrophe
And yet a masterpiece, and yet I'm half-diseased
And when I am deceased
At least I go down to the grave and die happily
Leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee
I do what it takes
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top, I'm ready for
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes


2 comments:

  1. Josie, I am so very sorry for your profound loss. Your grief is palpable in your writing. I know how hard this is for you. I lost my mom last year--which is why I wasn't able to complete your interview questions. I just didn't have room emotionally for one more thing to think of or deal with. It's okay to stop everything and take the time needed to process, grieve and heal. My prayers for comfort and peace are with you and your family. xo

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  2. Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother <3 and can completely understand. It's challenging right now to know that I won't be able to fully grieve and process until things are finalized. It'll be a journey, that's for sure.

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